Day 26, Sunday January 28

After 26 event-filled days, the end was finally in sight. But which housemate would be crowned winner of Celebrity Big Brother 2007?

Due to their involvement in the chicken scandal, it was looking very likely that Jack and Danielle would be hot on the heels of Jade and Jo out of the house. And sure enough, they were the first of the six to be given the push by viewers. Ian’s mild manner wasn’t enough to curry favour with viewers and he was out next – though it certainly made a nice change to hear cheering for a housemate!

While ‘Face Man’ Dirk was very entertaining, his cigar smoking proved too much for some viewers and he only placed third. And then there were two. Would calming influence Jermaine prove to be the fans’ favourite? Or would Bollywood princess Shilpa top off her eventful Big Brother experience by being crowned queen?

With more than 63 per cent of the vote, Davina announced that Shilpa was the winner of Celebrity Big Brother.

And what a worthy winner, we say.

Day 25, Saturday January 27

For their penultimate day in the house, the housemates were given one final task – to write, star and direct four TV movies depicting their most memorable moments. For the film noir, Donny’s Demise, Jack donned a blonde wig to become the wild man, giving it all: “I’m a rock and roll star, I’m not being a servant to anyone…” and for the romcom, ‘To Bean or not to Bean’, Jermaine puffed on a fake cigar as Dirk, while Danielle appeared on stage as love interest Shilpa.

Of course, there could only be one theme for the action movie. Aptly named Chicken Fight, Jack adopted the role of girlfriend Jade while Ian became Shilpa. Meanwhile, Shilpa was ‘Sergeant Jackson’. “Calm down! Go to your room!” she said, probably thankful that she had control of the situation for once.

With the fourth and final movie complete, Big Brother gave the housemates their well-earned prize. No, not a BAFTA – a slap-up three course dinner. Danielle could barely contain her excitement. “What if all the housemates are coming back!”

Now that would definitely be something we’d pay to see…

Day 24, Friday January 26

No sooner had the dust settled on yesterday’s bonding exercise, than attention had turned to the impending eviction. As Cleo, Dirk, Shilpa, Ian and Jo were sent to pack, non-evictee Danielle was overcome with emotion. Sobbing away, she got a big hug from Jo and Cleo. “Isn’t it nice that we all like each other so much,” comforted Cleo. “It is!” said Jo.

But, come the evening, Danielle was to be parted from her best buddies, when Davina announced that both Jo and Cleo had been evicted. The public had given Jo the heave-ho with almost half the overall vote largely due the role she played in THAT argument between Jade and Shilpa. Cleo, who was evicted with 27.9 per cent of the public vote, sealed her fate on Day 18 when her alter-ego ‘Tiara’ wound up Dirk.

What will the ladies’ have to say for themselves now that they don’t have Big Brother to protect them..?

Day 23, Thursday January 25

“If you’ve got a problem and no one else can help, maybe you can hire: The BB Team…”

The A-Team theme wake-up call was to set the tone for the day. It had been a quiet afternoon but little did the housemates know that an all-action task was waiting just around the corner. “Housemates must liberate rewards from a maximum security stockade located in the lounge,” Dirk (who else?) read out to others in his best ‘face man’ voice. “Wanted by the housemates, these rewards must be retrieved using ingenuity and the materials provided.”

Dressed in navy overalls and safety specs, the housemates were soon looking like a bona fide crack team and joined forces (Well, they say there’s a first time for everything) to gather as much swag as they could in just 60 minutes. “Get the beers and the champagne,” instructed Jo. “I wanted the teddy bear,” whined Shilpa. The skilled housemates certainly ended up with lots of booty. But will they be nice and share..?

After such a manly task, Jack and Dirk got in touch with their feminine sides by having their legs waxed. And this proved to be a real bonding session in more ways than one with Dirk and Cleo managing to bury the hatchet. Talking in the Diary Room about her plans once they get out of the house, Cleo told Big Brother: “I’m even going to invite him for a whiskey.”

Good idea. Just make sure it’s a whole bottle…

Day 22, Wednesday January 24

This morning, the housemates woke up to snow in the garden. Big Brother decided to mark the occasion with another task – and a very frosty one at that. Housemates were asked to retrieve special tokens from inside giant ice cubes that had been set up in the garden. The catch? Each housemate could only use their mouth to get the goods – and a pass would mean an Apres Ski themed party for the housemates that evening.

Ian, Jermaine, Cleo, Jo, Dirk, Shilpa and Jack (eventually) managed to suck their way to success, but for once, Danielle’s tongue had stopped working. “She is getting upset,” Shilpa said as she watched a frustrated Danielle suck away at the cube. “I think every man’s dream is happening right now!” Jo joked. What, like eating an ice-lolly, you mean?

That evening the housemates learned that five of them – Dirk, Jo, Cleo, Ian and Shilpa – would be facing the public vote. And there was mixed reaction to the news, with un-nominated Danielle bursting into tears and nominated Jo whopping with delight at hearing her name being called.

Two housemates are due for the chop on Friday night. Who goes? You decide…

Day 21, Tuesday January 23

Everyone knows that Dirk loves Shilpa, but it appears that the man from Montana also has a thing for another female housemate – despite her potty mouth. “It took me a few days to realise what kind of character Danielle was,” he told Big Brother. “She’s so pretty and sweet but she talks like a truck driver!” But would Danielle’s less than ladylike tongue make Dirk nominate her later that afternoon…

Nominations are never nice so, once they were out of the way, Big Brother gave the housemates an enjoyable task – to each choose a treat worth £10. It wasn’t long before Ian suggested: “How about if we have face-packs and mud masks and we can have a nice night in?” Silence fell and Dirk finally said: “You ARE gay aren’t you!” In the end, Danielle asked for vodka, Dirk chose scotch and Jo and Cleo went for hair dye. Surely, Big Brother can’t be going soft…

Of course not! In time-honoured tradition, another task stood in the way of the housemates and their treats. Randomly picking a housemate’s name out of a box, the celebrities took it in turns to sit in the Big Brother hot seat and answer five questions about their chosen housemate. And after the palaver of deciding what goodies to choose, only five housemates received them after the others failed the quiz miserably.

Certainly puts paid to the theory that you only know someone once you’ve lived with them…

Day 20, Monday January 22

Clearly some of the housemates struggled to make Big Brother laugh yesterday – but today’s Showgirls task was set to provide much more hilarity. For this task, the group had to learn a Moulin Rouge-style routine – step-by-step and in full costume. The prize? A luxury shopping budget, of course!

But while the likes of Shilpa was up for stepping out to Scissor Sisters, others just didn’t feel like dancing. “I can’t be doing no girly stuff,” warned Jermaine. “There will be no gyrations coming out of these hips!” added Jo. And she certainly wasn’t too keen on Cleo’s idea: “Lucky we’ve got bosoms, we can jiggle them in different directions so it looks like something is happening.”

With the rehearsals over, the housemates donned their top hats and tails, frocks and feather boas and took to the stage. And despite Dirk and Jack picking up two fails each, the housemates successfully twirled and kicked their way to a luxury shopping budget.

Now there was just the little matter of writing the shopping list. Oh dear. And there had been such harmony in the Big Brother house all day…

Day 19, Sunday January 21

OK, it’s clear from yesterday’s events that the housemates have themselves down as a bunch of comedians. So, Big Brother thought it would be funny and test them at, well, being funny. For a whole five minutes!

Despite the array of comedy wigs and false teeth, the housemates were stumped for inspiration. “I don’t know anything funny,” said Danielle, before picking up a pair of maracas and saying: “I’m just going to shake these maracas for five minutes.” “All four of them?” quipped Dirk.

Big Brother is a tough nut to crack at the best of times. And, despite their best efforts, the ‘performances’ were very hit and miss. Jo gave us a skit about two camels (anyone we know?) while Ian transformed himself into Cecil Sidebottom, a 30-year-old virgin who was seeking a ‘woman or man’ for ‘steamy nights and lusty loins’ (ditto?)

And, try as she might, resident ‘funny girl’ Cleo failed to make Big Brother chuckle – something that had been noted by Dirk, Jermaine and Ian. “I know you heard right, Cleo didn’t make it?” smirked Jermaine. “Sure, it must be the audience… or maybe she’s just not funny.”

Mmm… who’s laughing now we wonder?

Day 18, Saturday January 20

With Jade gone, the remaining housemates were forced to look elsewhere for entertainment. And it came in the shape of ‘Faceman’ Dirk, who gave them enough bait by announcing that he hadn’t washed in a while. “This is my fourth day without showering, has anyone noticed?” he asked. “It’s an aphrodisiac, y’know – the smell of male sweat. I want a woman to smell the real me!”

And Cleo was only too happy to volunteer. Having raided the dressing up box to find her alter-ego Tiara, Cleo used all her feminine wiles to snare action man Dirk… who wasn’t the least bit impressed.
What started off a ‘just a bit of fun’ soon turned sour. “Do you think that’s funny?” he snapped at Jo, who was caught smiling at Tiara’s antics. “Are you going back to normal?,” he snapped at Cleo.

Despite taking off her bright red wig and removing her make-up, Cleo maintained: “I’m not going to stop… No more Mr Nice Guy for me. I want to have a laugh.”

Shame Dirk doesn’t share your sense of humour, eh Cleo?

Day 17, Friday January 19

And so, after a week of high drama, today was judgement day for housemates Jade and Shilpa. “I’m nervous about being booted out,” Jade told Big Brother in the diary room. “Fair enough if people vote me out because they don’t like me, but if it’s because they think I’m a racist b**** I’ll be worried about walking out – because that’s not me.” But it was now up to the viewers to make a decision on that one…

Later, as Jade and Shilpa packed their suitcases and chatted about their pre-eviction night nerves, they shared a giggle about their new bond: “You know how I feel,” joked Shilpa. “Yeah – we have something in common!” came the reply from her former arch-rival.

But, with an unsurprising 82 per cent of the public vote, it was Jade who was to be evicted. And it’s fair to say that gobby Goody certainly left her mark on the house – and her housemates. From the minute she arrived, she had the entire house waiting on her hand and foot, managed to wind up ageing film director Ken Russell and prompted rocker Donny Tourette to escape.

Who’d of thought it would be a chicken stock cube (or four!) that sealed her fate?

Day 16, Thursday January 18

With tensions between Jade and Shilpa having reached boiling point on Tuesday, now a distinct sense of calm filled the Big Brother house. Giving the peace a chance, Shilpa came to the diary room to talk to Big Brother. “I’m happy today,” she said. “I wasn’t happy two days ago but today I am in a calm frame of mind.”

Asked if she still thought THAT argument with Jade was racially motivated, Shilpa replied: “No, I take it back. People say things in a fit of anger. I think there’s lots of insecurities from Jade, but it’s definitely not racial.”

Later, during a one-to-one chat in Nowhere, Jade made the bold move of extending an olive branch to Shilpa. Referring to her ‘Shilpa Poppadom’ remark, Jade insisted: “I didn’t say it in a racial way… I do not judge people by the colour of their skin.”

Confident that they had established a common ground, Jade uttered the immortal words ‘I’m sorry’ and leaned in for a hug. And with that, former Steps star Ian treated the housemates to an impromptu rendition of Love Is In The Air.

Ah, isn’t it just?

Day 15, Wednesday January 17

After last night’s slanging match between Shilpa and Jade, it’s hardly surprising that both of them should find themselves put up for eviction by their fellow housemates. Seems like gobby Jade had been shown the red card for being, well, gobby – with princess Shilpa being shown the door in a bid to save her sanity.

Jade’s odds-on favourite to be the next to get the chop. Never mind though: an early departure will no doubt give her more time for those elocution lessons. Although, rumour has it that both might find themselves out on their ear – with brand-new celebrity housemates arriving in earnest.

Now, who could they be we wonder?..

Day 14, Tuesday January 16

One day it’s a fairly innocuous reality TV programme, muddling along with not very celebrated ratings, then the next day Celebrity Big Brother has become an international issue. Is Shilpa being bullied because she’s ‘not like them’ (Jade, Jo and Danielle) or is she being picked on because they just don’t like her?

Today it was Jade vs Shilpa. And the weaponry? Four chicken stock cubes. Shilpa accused the Taunting Trio of using her stock, which prompted a torrent from Jade ending with: “So not only are you pathetic and fake, you’re a liar!” Harsh words, too harsh for Shilpa who withdrew claiming she didn’t want to fight. It’s getting ugly. So ugly that by the end of the day thousands have called media watchdog Ofcom to complain that our princess is being racially abused.

Racist, or just bitchy? You decide! (Add your vote to our poll on the Celebrity Big Brother page.)

Day 13, Monday January 15

With the threat of divides forming in the Big Brother house, what better way to bring all of the housemates together than with another team task?

Cue the Red Carpet Event. And being celebrities, the housemates were ready to embrace this particular task with open arms. Dolled up to the nines in dresses and dinner jackets, the housemates soon realised that they would be taking part in a gunge-filled assault course. And they had just nine minutes to complete it – or risk a week of basic rations.

Despite giving it their all, the housemates only managed to complete the task in 10 minutes 35 seconds. But they hadn’t banked on a last-minute obstacle, courtesy of Danielle. “My boobs were out,” Danielle told anyone who would listen. “I was trying to hold me boobs as I was climbing up the rope… the whole thing came down.”

The fail meant that the housemates had just £45 to share between them. Tired, angry and facing the prospect of hunger, the housemates decided to work out the week’s shopping list that night.

And we all know there’s nothing like doing the shopping list to bring the group together…

Day 12, Sunday January 14

If yesterday’s task had the housemates doing all manner of physical jerks then today’s task would give them plenty of food for thought. It was up to them to ask Big Brother any burning question that they’ve always wanted to know the answer to.

Being cooped up in the Big Brother house meant that the housemates would certainly be keen for some serious intellectual stimulation. Well, not exactly: “Why do men have nipples?” questioned Jack. “Is Stan Laurel Clint Eastwood’s dad?” asked Cleo. Mmmm, the mind boggles…

Later that afternoon, the housemates were faced with another conundrum. Shilpa had taken charge in the kitchen to prepare a roast chicken dinner. But her cooking methods were leaving a bad taste in the mouth of some of her housemates. “I don’t trust that chicken,” said Jo. “I want to eat it but I’m scared.” Surely Shilpa can’t be accused of fowl play. Or could she?

In fact, it was turning out to be a busy day for Shilpa with Jermaine trying once again to set her up with Dirk. “Dirk would marry you tomorrow,” Jermaine said with a smile. “He’s a nice guy.”
“He’s a very, very nice guy,” Shilpa agreed.

Is it time for us to buy a new hat?

Day 11, Saturday January 13

Following Carole’s eviction the previous night, Big Brother decided to lighten the mood in the house with a Battle Of The Bands task: Steps Vs The Jackson Five. It was like Blur Vs Oasis all over again. OK, maybe not exactly.

Ian, Jo, Jade and Jack donned PVC suits to make up a four-piece Steps tribute act with Jermaine, Dirk, Cleo, Danielle and Shilpa forming an all-new Jackson 5, complete with flares, wigs and tank tops.

Jade was the first to find the pop multi-task challenging. “I keep singing the wrong words,” she said. “Steps is hard work, man.” To which Ian replied: “We’re all learning new stuff. Just do what feels natural.”
Indeed, making box shapes with your hands is something people do every day…

Both ‘bands’ approached their routines with great gusto but it was Jermaine’s Jackson 5 that would be crowned the eventual winner by the public. As a reward, Big Brother provided the winning band members with a special gold disc – and all of the housemates with a Jackson 5-themed party.

After a fun-filled day all the housemates went to bed singing – proving that there can be harmony in the Big Brother house.

Day 10, Friday January 12

Eviction day. And Leo had woken up with a smalls problem: he’d run out of clean underpants and marched into the diary room demanding that Big Brother provide him with some more.

Balking at the idea that he should, er, wash some, he threatened to walk out. And, sure enough, minutes later Leo emerged from the diary room and declared to his fellow housemates: “I’m leaving the house guys cos Big Brother won’t provide me with underwear.” Grabbing a broom from the kitchen, the disco star broke down a fire door and shimmied off into the night…

Later that afternoon, the housemates were given the task of creating a mural in honour of those who have left the Big Brother house. “Let’s do Leo as a clown,” suggested Carole. Surely we’re not talking about the same man?

And so to the eviction, and after an agonising wait Davina announced that, with 77.4 per cent of the votes, Carole had been evicted. Danielle didn’t take the news of ‘Mummy Carole’s’ eviction at all well and the evening ended with a war of words between Danielle, Shilpa and Jade.

What the argument was about is anyone’s guess, as Shilpa explained: “It’s a pure misunderstanding. I was just confused.”

Seems she’s not the only one.

Day 9, Thursday Jan 11

Ian and Cleo spent the morning reminiscing about their departed friend Jackiey. “I’ve never met anyone like Jackiey,” said Ian. “I loved her. We really connected.” To which Cleo responded: “You two had your own planet.” Indeed. And viewers have seen to it that Jackiey has been rightfully returned to hers…

With the first round of nominations looming, Carole and Cleo were summoned to the diary room where they were informed by Big Brother that, as punishment for discussing nominations on Day 2, one of them would be put up for eviction – by their fellow housemates.

“It’s Carole,” announced Ian after a majority vote. Upon realising her fate, Carole said: “I’m fine.” But with a furrowed brow she pointedly made reference to Shilpa’s involvement in the offending conversation and wouldn’t be called on to discuss it with Shilpa later that afternoon. Fine? Looks to us like the hack is more than just a little hacked off!

Dirk and Leo soon learned that they would be joining Carole to face the public vote and the pair spent the evening trying to figure out why they had been put up for the chop. “We come from a different age,” mused Leo. “That means all our housemates want us out.” “No, it means we’re obnoxious,” replied Dirk.

Ah, bless the old codgers. Victor Meldrew would be proud…

Day 8, Wednesday Jan 10

It’s a dysfunctional family, this Big Brother house. Jackiey was voted out with one of the lowest showings of public support ever and you’d think Jade would be pleased to see the back of her embarrassing mum. But no, she wept and wailed about the public lashing Jackiey’s going to suffer.

“My mum does come across as really cocky and confident, but she is so vulnerable,” said Jade. Vulnerable? Perhaps it’s another classic Jadeism.

Earlier, Jo, Danielle and Jade held a pyjama party in the double bed. Poor Jack. His missus revealed that the blanket tossing had nothing to do with his sleeplessness. It seems the Quiet One fancied a midnight tumble. “So I jumped in here with you,” said Jade, before describing exactly what her toyboy was up to. Which, being a family site, we don’t want to go into detail here… Although aural sex is a new one on us!

Day 7, Tuesday Jan 9

If there have been a few gales in the Celebrity Big Brother house, they’re but the calm before the storm that will be Wednesday’s first eviction, about which the celebrities remain blissfully ignorant. Meantime, there have been a few warm-ups for the Main Event, like today’s £300 shopping list. Well, talk about the tower of Babel. In charge, Shilpa demanded garam masala, Jackiey wanted piccalilli and frying steaks, Jermaine wanted cranberry juice. Cue some frayed tempers, with Shilpa wearing some of them.

Later, Jo, Danielle and Jade ganged up on the ‘Princess’… behind her back, of course. They echoed moans about the Bollywood star’s controlling nature. Well, she IS royalty, loves. Danielle said: “I asked for smoked mackerel and whatshername looked at me like I was ******* stupid.”

Even later, the former Miss Great Britain was feeling weepy, missing her boyfriend, ex England ace Teddy Sheringham. Lesbian Jackiey said: “If you’re missing sex then I’ll sort it out.”

Please, everyone, vote her out!

Day 6, Monday Jan 8

What a difference a day makes… Big Brother, perhaps finally waking up to the idiocy of the Master and Servants task, called time on it. But with Crackergate and Leo falling asleep on the job, surely it has to be a fail? [Quiet for the opening of the envelope…]

But no, they’re judged to have five passes and two fails, with Leo and Jo being the D-list celebs! And their prize? Takeaways of their choice and, more importantly, champagne. At last, some reasons to be cheerful in the Big Brother house. Are you regretting walking now, Ken?

Meanwhile, Leo continued his disturbing yoyo behaviour. He ditched his sunglasses and hoodie to reveal… Leo the Entertainer, who was doing his best to buddy up to a bemused Dirk. He suggested the pair had things in common (what? being big in the 1970s?), which he’d be better able to explain on The Outside. This drew an incredulous chuckle from The A Team actor.

Day 5, Sunday Jan 7

Oh no! There’s another Celebrity Big Brother walker. Ken has been threatening it all day, but after a squabble with Jade over his illicit cheese and crackers, the old duffer exited via the Diary Room. At this rate, sometime late next week Big Brother might just find he’s talking to himself…

It’s a shame he left when he did because the generation gap was well and truly filled later on Day 5 when Jade’s grandad and nan showed up for a bit of upper-class nosh in the Manor. Grandad wasn’t too keen on the wine the butler Leo served. “I wouldn’t serve this to a wino,” he grimaced. “I’ll have a beer!”

A pint of Old Cobbler’s coming right up.

Day 4, Saturday Jan 6

It had to happen. Celebrity Big Brother producers knew that by adding Jade and family to the house they weren’t so much adding a spanner to the works as an engine, rusted chassis and set of mag wheels. Within minutes one of the servants, Donny, makes his bid for freedom, muttering: “I’m not waiting hand and foot for some ******* moron.”

Jade and Ken did an unlikely spot of bonding over rain and butlers, though her mum Jackiey is, predictably, bonkers and is causing her daughter a lot of discomfort. In fact, later, Jade bursts into tears after revealing that she’s ‘doing me head in’.

Day 3, Friday Jan 5

Oh dear, sleep deprivation strikes its iron fist into the harmony of the Celebrity Big Brother house. Esteemed film director Ken isn’t doing himself any favours with his nasal emissions, though to be fair he rightly points out he isn’t the only snorer in the dorm.

Jermaine is proving himself to be something of an enigma. A man of few words and a look best summed up by: “What in HELL’s name did I sign up to?” But is this just part of his Zen strategy? Danielle tried to enliven things by doing a Donny impression; well, they’re equally foul-mouthed so it’s no great stretch.

Later, Big Brother instructed all the housemates to pack their bags with essentials for a three-night period. Hmmm. What gives? Oh… my… It’s the return of Jade Goody. And her boyfriend. And her mum. The nation’s worst kept secret is out of the bag!

Day 2, Thursday Jan 4

The first night in the house of horrors was, as expected, a bit of a disaster. Nine single beds, one double and 11 celebrities doesn’t quite add up and it was left to Leo ‘Thunder in the Night’ Sayer to politely share the double with shaggy rocker Donny. Ken slept the sleep of the just, but his industrial level snoring meant hardly anyone else got a wink, especially not Leo, poor lamb.

The next day was all about getting to know you and the veneer of nano-celebrity niceness stayed firmly in place. But how long will it last? Shilpa took Carole and Ken on a beginner’s guide to meditation, Ken bonded with Danielle over toast and Cleo revealed there’s still enough of the 80s bombshell to catch the male vote.

Day 1, Wednesday Jan 3

Let the madness begin! Celebrity Big Brother kicks off in the winter cold with a truly motley crew. Saying goodbye to normality, privacy and the morning papers are Jermaine ‘brother of Michael’ Jackson… tabloid columnist Carole Malone… former S Club 7 singer Jo O’Meara… former Steps singer Ian ‘H’ Watkins… rock singer Donny Tourette… veteran popstar Leo Sayer… OAP film director Ken Russell… Bollywood star Shilpa Shetty… 80s model Cleo Rocos… actor Dirk Benedict… and former Miss Great Britain Danielle Lloyd.

The biggest entrance is young rocker Donny, who shows up filled to the brim with vodka and drunkenly lurched into the spa pool fully clothed and mic’d up. Yellow card offence young man!