1 A CANDIDATE WILL SAY THEY ARE JUST LIKE LORD SUGAR
A graduate of the ‘University of Life’ (via ‘The School of Hard Knocks’), having set up their own market stall with a million-pound turnover by the time they we’re 11 and a half, will claim to be the new Lord Sugar. And Lord Sugar will not be impressed – in any way, whatsoever.
2 PEOPLE WILL SHOUT INTO PHONES WHILE HOLDING THEM AT A WEIRD ANGLE
Nobody really knows why but they will.
3 A FIRED CANDIDATE WILL LEAVE THE BOARDROOM IN A RIDICULOUSLY POLITE WAY…
Having had their personality and prowess shredded in front of millions, a fired candidate will say, “Thank you for the opportunity” or similar to the good Lord and his aides, presumably, in the vain hope they’ll say, “Hold on, you’re lovely really – come back!”
4 LORD SUGAR WILL MAKE A TERRIBLE TASK-RELATED PUN
Having rehearsed for hours beforehand, Lord Sugar will deliver his “joke”, in reaction to which the candidates – unlike millions at home – will laugh as if Lord Sugar is the new Michael McIntyre.
5 THE RIGHT PERSON WILL NEVER BE CHOSEN AS PROJECT MANAGER
The person with the most relevant experience for a task will be too scared to push themselves forward, or, if they do, they will be ignored, in favour of someone with a loud voice.
6 SOMEONE WILL FIND THEIR INNER SPIELBERG
Directing the world’s naffest TV commercial for the advert task, someone will go for the Oscar nomination. Meanwhile, in front of the camera, a new De Niro and/or Streep may be born – and die…
7 AT LEAST ONE PANICKY PAJAMA-CLAD CANDIDATE WILL DASH DOWNSTAIRS TO ANSWER THE PHONE
Lord Sugar is way too busy to sleep, of course, and all tasks begin at silly o’clock, yet every year the candidates are surprised by his alarm call. This needs to stop but probably wont.
8 SOMEONE WILL MESS UP THE FIGURES
Rule number one in business: buy cheap; sell at a profit. Yet every year a self-proclaimed financial wizard will totally ignore this rule.
And then be sacked by Lord Sugar.