Harry Hill reveals to TV Times magazinehis dream Saturday night television line-up…

“It’s a silly show that I think all generations could enjoy. By scheduling it on BBC2 in the middle of the week, it is a little bit shunted out. I’d put that on first, before tea.”

“I’m bringing it back! At its best, it is brilliant slapstick, with people falling over and getting hurt. I think the British one looks cold, uncomfortable and a little bit low-rent with people in giant foam costumes running up and down in a muddy field. Stuart Hall has kept all the props and costumes in a warehouse in Manchester, that’s what he told me, anyway. So it is there for the re-making! I’d want Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley to host – they’d be perfect, shivering next to the paddling pool with the greasy pole across it.”

“I’d also bring back The Brothers, which is a show from my childhood. It was a serial following the ups and downs of a family haulage business – they had a whole fleet of lorries. Funnily enough the King brothers in Emmerdale were similar – maybe we can do it as a spin-off about their haulage business, even though two of the King brothers are dead. But in our remake, they are not in Emmerdale any more – they have relocated to Hotton, to the big town. That would be very good.”

“Can I make up shows? I thought The Only Way is Essex versus Made In Chelsea at Paintball would be brilliant! They are in a wood and they have to take out the opposing side. I don’t think paintballing has really been exploited on television. It should be hosted by someone who has been in the armed forces – I’m putting up Paddy Ashdown up for that role. We know he’s fair, right? And Abi Titmuss could be his co-host! I wouldn’t get involved with this show, in fact I’m distancing myself from it already!”

“We don’t have any decent music shows any more, this is the only one left. I’d elevate it to Saturday night. It would be better if it wasn’t on so late, and also maybe didn’t have Jools. So what I’m saying is Later with Jools Holland, but with a different host and not so late! But we don’t want to damage the brand by changing the title. It should be hosted by someone in the music business, so maybe we could have Morrissey with Judi Spiers from Pebble Mill at One – she was always a safe pair of hands. I’d be happy to appear.”

“We could marry these shows – then, if Tony Robinson and the team find anything, Fiona Bruce can value it. But I would also like for them to have the option to take the money then and there. Let’s see the cash! If they say it is worth £10,000, then let’s see Fiona handing the money over. Fiona Bruce is great in that job, you don’t want to tamper with that, and then you’ve got Tony Robinson there – a dream team!”

10.30pm THE NEWS
“I think they should sit down to read the news. It is crazy, who stands up to read anything? That’s why we invented chairs. And it is time that Anna Botting from Sky News was moved to terrestrial television. She has a good balance between serious and humorous, with a cheeky grin. We should have more computer-generated graphics. In China they do cartoon version of news events – I think that would be good.”

“Tim Vine is really funny and family friendly – I would like to see him host a big variety night or on his own primetime sketch show. Otherwise I could team up as a double act with Al Murray. With our bald heads – we’d be like the Two Ronnies, only the Two Baldies. That could be a hit.”

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