Marmite Movies at Christmas time

You either love it or hate it  You either love it or hate it, right? I personally think Marmite is a violation on humanity – in a neat jar. The first (and last) time my palate was violated by this horrid substance, I ended up l i t e r a l l y wiping my tongue with tissue. There are no words to describe my trauma.

But what’s this all got to do with film? Well, I believe all the Christmassy TV movies that are aired this time of year divide the population into two distinct groups – the lovers and the haters. These family-friendly stories of drama and romance will either make you go all warm and gooey inside or make you want to throw up.

I’ve picked out seven films (from the up-coming week) with particularly clichéd or rehashed plotlines. I feel very strongly about my selection. In fact, if I was forced to choose between watching any of the movies listed below or eating a marmite toast, I’d go for the toast in a heartbeat, because loosing two invaluable hours of my life would be way worse than a bit of sick.

Today on Movies 24: The Christmas Card
This romantic festive drama follows a US soldier serving in Afghanistan as he travels to a small California town to seek out the woman who sent him an anonymous Christmas card. And guess what?! Despite the presence of another man in her life, the two fall in love. As contrived as a pre-printed Hallmark card poem.

Sunday 14 Dec on Movies 24: Santa with Muscles

Sunday 14 Dec on Sky 1: Christmas Caper
This festive comedy stars none other than Shannen Doherty (of Beverly Hills 90210 fame) as a burglar. After a New York robbery goes wrong, she flees to her Connecticut hometown and agrees to look after her sister’s kids. However, when she hears that the neighbours are all going to attend a local Christmas party, she can’t resist the urge to plot her next heist. Watch the trailer and you will have seen the whole movie.

Monday 15 Dec on Movies 24: Road to Christmas
Another festive drama starring Jennifer ‘Dirty Dancing’ Grey, playing a photographer en route to her dream Christmas wedding when she finds herself stranded in the Rocky Mountains and a storm paralyses the transport network. Thankfully, she’s offered a ride by a handsome widower and his teenage daughter, but she’s forced to think twice about her imminent marriage when she experiences a powerful attraction to the man. Again, watching the trailer gives away the whole film, not that we couldn’t predict the entire plot ourselves.

Tuesday 16 Dec on Sky Movies Family: Under the Mistletoe
This festive romantic fantasy is about a young mother who has been unlucky in love since the death of her husband. Things change when her eight-year-old son, who claims to be in regular contact with his dad’s ghost, helps set her up with his school’s counsellor, who doubles as the hockey coach.
Check out the trailer here if you dare.

Tuesday 16 Dec on Five: All I Want for Christmas
A seasonal, soppy romantic drama in which a ten-year-old boy enters a writing competition with the essay ‘All I Want for Christmas is a Husband for my Mom’ (did I mention it was soppy?). When he wins, his widowed mother becomes a celebrity overnight and potential suitors start lining up. But perhaps her perfect match is a little closer to home?
I can’t even find a trailer for this one.

Thursday 18 Dec on Sky Movies Family: Home by Christmas
Yuletide melodrama starring Linda Hamilton (who really needs to find a better agent pronto). After discovering that her husband is having an affair, a middle-aged housewife gets a divorce. But when she is mugged and loses all the money she was given in the divorce settlement (don’t they just write a cheque?), she is forced to live in her car while trying to pull her life together.
I couldn’t find a teaser for this one either. Clearly not much to tease about.

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