News Muse is wishing she belonged to the Hollywood glitterati and could get a seat next to some hottie at the Oscars ceremony. Instead, the reality is that she got rejected off the bleachers and doesn’t have access to the channel that’s hosting the party…

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It’s always annoyed me that the time difference between LA and Europe relegates the Oscars ceremony to the graveyard shift. I’m not a night owl – only a date with True Blood‘s Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) could make me reconsider – and I have a job that will have me up at 5am on a Monday morning. So, most years I’ve simply had to rely on the BBC Breakfast team to announce the winners and losers of the night but, no offence Bill and Sian, it just ain’t that glamorous or entertaining.

However, as anyone with a healthy Hollywood obsession, I’ve been reading everything I can find on what’s to come on the biggest night in the awards calendar.

First of all, we’ve got to talk designer dresses because, let’s face it, the red carpet stuff almost beats the awards themselves. Here’s a reminder of some of last year’s gowns:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_SvwNlZsqM&fs=1

115-carat emerald earrings. I bet she had two body guards to go with them – one for each earring!

This year, style guru Patty Fox says ‘bare necks and glamourous curves’ will be the thing. They just need to ask the designers to stop making the dresses so small then so the women can fit into them, sit in them and actually eat all that amazing food at the Governors Ball… Although, I suspect it’ll simply be size zero with (p)added curves.

Make up your own mind by watching Live from the Red Carpet on E! from 11pm where Ryan Seacrest (America’s most over-exposed television personality) and satellite dish-faced Giuliana Rancic (a popular awards anchor) will take us through the arrivals. More interestingly, however, E! will be showing Awards Fashion Police on Tuesday 9 March at 8pm, where none other than the plasticine, acid-tongued Joan Rivers will rate or rather slate the outfits from Sunday.

In September last year, I tipped you guys about applying for tickets to sit on the Oscars bleachers. Needless to say, I applied myself along with some friends who were up for an LA adventure. But as anyone who has flown to the States will know, there are forms to be completed and questions to be answered. I filled out the online application form telling them everything about my first pet, my criminal history (when I was eight, a friend and I stole strrawberries from the neighbour’s garden), my shoe size (both heels and running shoes) and my favourite shape pasta. When I got a rejection via email, I knew straight away that I should have put down fusilli instead of tagliatelle. Let’s face it, tagliatelle just screams ‘I like to blow stuff up!’.

Maybe next year then.

For those who will be fortunate enough to watch The Oscars live or televised, the show promises to be an entertaining and smooth affair. For example, instead of a boring acceptance speech (I’d like to thank my agent and my pet ferret…) the nominees have been asked to explain what winning the Oscar means to them

Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron, Hannan Montana (tick young audience), Sandra Bullock, Jeff Bridges, Sean Penn, Kate Winslet, Penelope Cruz, Charlize Theron, Barbara Streisand (tick diva), Kathy Bates, Robert Downey Jr, Queen Latifah, Samuel L Jackson (tick black audience), John Travolta, Sacha Baron Cohen and Ben Stiller (or not?) among others.

As News Muse lamented back in November, Hugh Jackman is taking a break and has handed over to Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. This could be good, or it could be very very bad. In any case, they have got to make a good job out of the medley to get a pass from me.

Then there are the weird and wonderful legal details of the Oscars, which has seen Jeff Bridges’ voice taken off a car advert showing on Oscar night (30secs of adverts will set you back almost $2million!) because nominees aren’t allowed to appear in ads on the night, while The Hurt Locker producer Nicolas Chartier has been officially un-invited because he emailed the Academy members asking them to vote for his movie while slating another (Avatar).

Wonder if I could have his seat?

The Oscars are showing on Sky Movies Premiere, midnight, Sunday 7 March

Live from the Red Carpet is showing on E!, 11pm, Sunday 7 March

Awards Fashion Police is showing on E!, 8pm, Tuesday 9 March