The blurb said I was getting something in the vein of Anaconda or Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus, but while they were a spot-on eco-horror spoofs, Lockjaw: Rise of the Kulev Serpent fails to deliver.

I spent the first 42-minutes waiting for something to happen. If fact, I found myself Twittering, getting snacks, and even re-arranging the furniture in a bid to stop myself from falling asleep waiting for the film’s fearsome serpent to rear its ugly head and bear its salivating fangs.

After devouring some dude in a cornfield (straight out of Signs) and hitting on the hot guy while he’s banging the hot chick (straight out of Friday the 13th), Lockjaw or Kulev (whatever it’s called) is finally seen slithering towards us at the 47-minute mark… Oh, dear, it’s just a guy with a skateboard.

Hip-hop superstar DMX as Army Special Ops veteran Nick then suddenly appears to reveal that Lockjaw is part an ancient voodoo curse, and he’s the only one who can stop it. But will the surviving teens believe him?

Even though it’s just got a DVD release, this lame turkey was made back in 2008 (judging from the licence plates). Fast-forward to the 52-minute mark, and it’s time for the next kill. Finally, after all those tedious scenes of drugged up nasty teens getting off with each other, I wake up hoping for something, anything to like about this movie.

For anyone familiar with the creature features that continually crop up on Syfy (like Komodo vs Cobra), this is of the same ilk: bad script, bad acting, bad production values, bad special effects.

Probably best with a few bottles of the good stuff and a gang of mates around to laugh at its awfulness.

Released 10 May