Sequels: Coming back to a cinema near you…

Summer is here again and that means many of your favourite film franchises will also be making a comeback. But should we welcome their return, or show them the door?

Let’s review the evidence…

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES - Captain Jack Sparrow (JOHNNY DEPP) and his old nemesis Captain Barbossa (GEOFFREY RUSH)

Why we first fell in love: Johnny Depp staggers onto screen as a pirate without any sea legs, channelling the spirit of Keith Richards (and drinking it too).

This time out: Sappy sidekicks Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley get the heave-ho me hearties making way for Penelope Cruz in a search of the fountain of youth. But whatever happens, Johnny Depp will still be the prettiest face on the pirate ship.

What we expect to see: Johnny and Penny strutting their stuff in a Zoolander-style ‘walk-off’ on the ship’s gangplank. Forget ‘blue steel’, it’s all about the ‘black pearl’!

The future of the franchise: Johnny and Penny have a love child who comes out looking remarkably like Keith Richards. It’s the Curse of the Rolling Stone!


In cinemas: 18 May

The Hangover II

The Hangover II

Bradley Cooper and Zach Galifianakis get up to monkey business

Why we first fell in love: Zach Galifianakis going toe-to-toe with a mad, naked Chinese man. Sobering up is rarely this funny.

This time out: The lads plan another stag do, this time going to Bangkok where, presumably, the drugs are stronger.

What we expect to see: Zach going toe-to-toe with a mad, naked Ladyboy.

The future of the francise: Zach and the Ladyboy decide to tie the knot. Cue the party! But there’s a suprise ending for our dippy hero come wedding night…

In cinemas: 26 May

X-Men: First Class

James McAvoy uses mind control to get you in cinemas…

Why we first fell in love: Their super powers make them social outcasts, but gene mutation never looked so cool. Hugh Jackman even pulls off a Flock of Seagulls hairdo and unclipped nails with fierce style.

This time out: In this origin story Jackman puts away his tarnished claws, making way for bright young things including James McAvoy as Professor X and Michael Fassbender as Magneto.

What we expect to see: Professor X turns out to be a mean high school jock who rubs Magneto the wrong way, generating so much friction it’s enough to stick Magneto to his own locker. And so, a super villain is born…

The future of the francise: The mutants evolve the ability to erase people’s memories with just a hard stare, which means they can better get away with trotting out the same old formula again and again…


In cinemas: 1 June

Kung Fu Panda 2

Kung Fu Panda

Kung Fu Panda is always first in line for lunch

Why we first fell in love: Jack Black restores the fighting spirit of fat pandas everywhere after so many years begging for sympathy on the front of WWF pamphlets. (That’s the World Wild Fund for Nature, not the World Wrestling Federation…)

This time out: Jack Black boosts testosterone levels to even dizzier heights as he goes toe-to-toe with Angelina Jolie’s feisty tigress.

What we expect to see: A rumble in the jungle — though it’s probably just the fat panda suffering from hunger pains.

The future of the franchise: Extinction is inevitable, unless Stephen Fry comes to the rescue with an earnest documentary team.


In cinemas: 10 June

Transformers: Dark of the Moon


Why we first fell in love: Is it a car? Is it a robot? Oh cool, it’s both!

This time out: Is it a rocket? is it a robot? Oh cool, it’s both! The warring bots race to the moon to recover a hidden spacecraft. That means more scope for slo-mo action shots.

What we expect to see: Shia LaBeouf looking increasingly robotic as he comes to the realisation that his career as a serious actor has gone down the tubes. In slow-motion.

The future of the franchise: Is it a Mars Rover? Is it a robot? Oh, for the love of God, someone press ctrl+alt+delete.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Shia LaBeouf scrambles to hit ctrl+alt+delete

In cinemas: 1 July

To be continued…

Watch this space for the next exciting instalment of the Sequels blog, Sequels 2, featuring a boy wizard, some talking cars and a bunch of mutilated teenagers…

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