Because we adore romance here at Movie Talk, and because we wouldn’t want any of you to make a love-life-threatening faux pas on Valentine’s Day, we’ve compiled a handy top ten list — with the help of some of our friends on Facebook — of movies to avoid when snuggling up with your honey bun for a romantic night of film fun on the big day.
1. Fatal Attraction
Infidelity, obsession, stalking and bunny boiling! The ultimate anti-romance courtesy of Glenn Close’s deranged harpie Alex Forrest — who wasn’t crudely dubbed the ‘AIDS virus with a knife’ for nothing.
2. Revolutionary Road
Kate and Leo bicker their way towards divorce, death and a DIY abortion. As date movies go, this 1950s-set marital drama makes Kate and Leo’s doomed cruise on the Titanic look like a warm and fluffy travelogue.
4. Nine ½ Weeks
Mickey Rourke in the kitchen with the blindfold… A crime against soft-porn if ever there was one. Or as Jane pointed out on our Facebook page: ‘Definitely not a cuddle up together movie!’ Ya think?
5. 500 Days of Summer
What happens when Joseph Gordon Levitt’s hopeless romantic falls for Zooey Deschanel’s commitment-phobe? Answer: It leads to a movie that’s funny, quirky, appealing and ultimately a real downer romance-wise.
6. Sleeping with the Enemy
Patrick Bergin’s neat freak almost beats Julia Roberts to death over a wonky towel. Take note: thrillers tastelessly using domestic violence as a hook are never a winner when it comes to creating that cosy, feel-good ambience.
7. Leaving Las Vegas
As a suicidal alcoholic and a battered prostitute, Nicolas Cage and Elizabeth Shue arrive in the less than luvey-dovey land of Skid Row realism. Try following this one up with a romantic champagne cocktail or two together in the multi-plex bar.
An already high cringe factor goes off the charts when J-Lo and Ben Affleck (as his-and-hers assassins) get up close and pornographic with some turkey-themed foreplay. A movie that Sue correctly suggested on Facebook is one to avoid not just for Valentine’s but also for the rest of the year.
9. War of the Roses
Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner declare domestic Armageddon in Danny DeVito’s cautionary tale for newlyweds — not to mention anyone who’s ever even remotely considered marriage as a possible life choice.
We’d also like to include an honourable mention for Max, for his on-the-money comments that it was bad form on Valentine’s Day for:
‘A guy to show a girl any film with the word Star in the title.’ Because: ‘It just suggests that the most important relationship in your life is with your ModernWarfare 3 buddy Deathkill245.’ (Given this some serious thought have you, Max?)
And equally for: ‘A gal to show a guy any film with the words ‘The’, ‘Sex’, ‘City’ and the symbol & in the title.’ Because: ‘ To Paraphrase Meatloaf: A man will do anything for Love but we won’t watch that.’
We should also add that the reason the Star movies you speak of didn’t make the list was that there were far too many likely candidates to pin a single one down. And the reason the travails of Carrie & Co didn’t make the list was because we believe The Sex & the City ouvre can make for great date movies… Especially on those occasions when the gal’s not dating a guy, or the guy’s not dating a girl. We’re just saying!
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!